My Final Exam Turned Into an Ego Death 💀

LIFE ON URTH - Episode 094

Ready

After twelve years of medicine, I faced the final challenge of my training last week: the specialist exam. Six years of study, six years as a resident – everything led up to this moment.

In recent months, preparation clearly took center stage. Anyone who has read the previous episodes knows that the material eventually spread into all areas of my life. In Sri Lanka, I even found myself one evening sitting with my wife’s mother and grandmother, explaining how exposure therapy for OCD works.

My return trip kept getting delayed due to the situation in the Middle East. Several times, I was sure I wouldn’t make it back in time. Still, I kept studying – also because I genuinely find the material fascinating. Of course, I was nervous, but often in a positive way, sometimes almost excited. I had never felt so well prepared for an exam. I was ready.

The Game

In new places, I often set myself a small quest – a game I play with myself. It revolves around the fantasies that form beforehand about a place. Most of their details are immediately overwritten by reality. In this game, I try to consciously compare the two.

The game serves two functions: it sharpens my attention and weakens fears by letting me observe that they don’t come true. During the specialist exam, this comparison led me to a deep and initially painful realization.

Specialist

I am now a specialist in psychosomatic medicine and psychotherapy.

Yet the exam – and especially the moment of receiving the certificate – felt so hostile that I could hardly feel any joy. Instead, I felt treated unfairly, sad, and angry.

It took two days of psychological digestion before I could grasp the core of the pain.

Through the game, I was able to consciously revisit my fantasies about the exam. In them, I discovered a hope I hadn’t been aware of before: belonging. Finally arriving in this identity of being a physician – an identity I had struggled with for so long.

I had to realize that I could not fulfill this hope. On the contrary, I felt unwanted and excluded.

I can no longer sustain this identity I have held on to for 12 years. The idea is not new – for months, I have been writing about the pathless path and my desire to free myself from culturally prescribed patterns. But the emotional force of actually losing such a large part of my identity took me by surprise.

Loss

I suddenly realized that there is no permanence. Not in the comforting way of everyday mindfulness, which reveals that all elements of consciousness are constantly changing – and that even unpleasant thoughts and feelings move on in the flow of the mind, if we let them.

No – beneath me, first my identity was shattered, and then, like a chain reaction, every illusion of stability I had desperately clung to vanished. At first, it felt like an uncontrolled fall. But soon, all reference points disappeared, and I was floating in nothingness.

The pain of these losses was like a glaring light. Still, I turned toward it with curiosity – until there was no longer a self that could turn toward anything. The world was nothing but light and pain, yet it no longer felt unpleasant.

Instead, a deep sense of gratitude began to grow. At first diffuse and unfocused, then the world took shape again – and the gratitude turned toward my examiners. For forcing me to let go of an outdated identity and make space for something new. For making this decision so easy for me. Loss is painful – but it is also the precondition for freedom and growth.

Review

Overall rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ – unexpectedly transformative

I would give the exam a 5/5 as an overall experience. Most of the time, I enjoyed learning, explaining, and writing about the material. The exam itself was unpleasant – but in return, it ultimately gave me a psychedelic experience that led me into non-duality and left me with renewed courage.

Since there is nothing more fascinating to me than exploring the depths of consciousness, this is a happy ending. I’m now looking forward to the adventures ahead.

Callout

From now on, I offer psychotherapy – and, of course, coaching: https://adrianschug.de

✒️ Quote of the Week: “Wherever you are, that is the entry point.” -Kabir

🍿 Video of the Week: Navigating Belief, Skepticism, and the Afterlife with Alex O’Connor

🎧 Song of the Week: Enrico Sangiuliano - Absence

📃 Article of the Week: Cosmic Mechanisms

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All the best,

Adrian / Urth

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